Q&A WITH A SEX & RELATIONSHIP COACH

Unveiling the World of Sensuality: A Journey with Melissa Vranjes

(Introductions) Meet Melissa Vranjes, a Certified Holistic Sex Coach from New Zealand, on a mission to liberate and invigorate female sexuality. Influenced by a transformative workshop in Bali, Melissa recognised the need for a holistic approach to sex, prompting her to train with leading global sexologists, tantra practitioners, and educators. Her internationally acclaimed approach has graced the pages of Grazia Croatia, Australian Women’s Health Magazine, and YahooLifestyle, guiding women toward heightened sexual vitality, confidence, and pleasure.

Curious about sex, pleasure, and relationships, we invited our community to share their questions. The overwhelming response sets the stage for an insightful Q&A session with Melissa Vranjes. Join us as we delve into the essence of sensuality, extracting wisdom from Melissa’s extensive expertise to cultivate a more fulfilling connection with our own sexuality.

(Q&A)

(Q) What moisturisers can help with vaginal atrophy?
(A) For those who don’t know what this is, vaginal atrophy is a thinning, dryness and sometimes inflammation of the vaginal walls. This is common after menopause or those who have low estrogen. Lube is your best friend!!! Use it every time you self-pleasure, or have sex with a lover. I’m a huge fan of the Bruxa range - they know how to curate the most exquisite formulas that don’t affect the pH level of your vaginal microbiome.

(Q) We’re a couple over 60, how can I help my partner with impotence?
(A) The first thing I would recommend is having a genuinely honest and open conversation in a safe space. This allows both of you to share your feelings, with a focus on your partner expressing what’s going on for them. Try to take a step back and consider factors like stress, medication, unmet sexual needs, poor diet, lack of connection to their sexual self, or insufficient exercise. It’s common for men over 60 to experience a decline in testosterone, but the good news is that it can often be addressed.”

(Q) What should you do when Avoidant (or Disorganised) attachers distant/shut down?
(A) Create a safe space for them to return to and gently call them back in with your heart. Use phrases like, ‘I feel distant from you, where have you gone?’ or ‘I love you, and I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to talk or reconnect.’ In addition to addressing these moments, outside of triggering situations, discuss common signs that both of you notice—such as walking away, crossing arms, or withdrawing from conversation. Collaborate on ideas to proactively nurture connection together, exploring various strategies like physical touch, verbal cues, or gentle actions that cultivate love, trust, and safety. Experiment with these approaches and, after trying them out, openly share how you both feel. 

(Q) How can I increase my pleasure/orgasms?
(A) Start a daily pleasure practice, which doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual. Start cultivating more awareness around the things that bring you joy and pleasure. For example, your morning hot brew - close your eyes and savour the moment. In the shower - let the water pressure activate sensations on your skin. Cultivating a relationship to your pleasure outside the bedroom will help you to connect to pleasure in the bedroom.

To increase your orgasms, practice 3 key tools when having solo sex or partnered sex:
1. Build pleasure/turn and arousal - don’t rush this part, if you do, no orgasm will happen
2. Expand your turn-on and arousal with breath, sound and movement - get in your body, feel the turn-on!
3. Surrender your mind and body - let go!

(Q) Tips for feeling sexy after surgery (endo)?
(A) Remember that feeling sexy is that - a feeling - so think of the things you love wearing, listening to, thinking, seeing, tasting, and touching that make you feel sexy. Get into your senses, touch your body with oils, touch your breasts or any other areas of your body that don’t feel too tender. Breathe into your heart, feel love for yourself and take it slow, you’re still healing. 

(Q) Thoughts on ‘love languages’?
(A) I find love languages to be a fun and playful insight into how individuals may enjoy connecting with their lovers. However, it’s important to note that most ‘quizzes’ don’t consider complex situations such as trauma, abuse, childhood wounds, and parent relationships, which significantly shape our perspectives on love. Similar to how your star sign only offers a small indication of ‘who you are,’ I see love languages as a fun starting point. While they provide valuable insights, I wouldn’t take them as gospel, as the intricacies of our experiences can add layers to how we express and receive love.

(Q) My partner wants to return to the sex party scene but I’m a total stranger to it. Any advice?
(A) Get super clear on what returning to the sex party scene means for you both and your relationship. What is the intention of returning to the sex party scene? - Is it to spice things up? Are both your sexual needs being met? Honest, open and vulnerable communication around both of your needs is really important. Notice how this all feels in your body, get clear on what’s a yes, no or maybe. This can change as well. Consider whether this idea eexcites you, and if so, communicate with your partner about what you need to feel love, trust and safety whilst in these unfamiliar spaces. Trust your body’s cues and be honest when something feels like a no, regardless of your partners desires - your boundaries are sacred and should be respected at all times. If you feel like it, you could always do some research on the community that attends certain parties, this could help you build more confidence in these foreign places.

(Q) I’m curious about Tantra. Any tips on where to start?
(A) There are many excellent teachers in the field of Tantra. I would recommend beginning with some insightful podcasts, one of my favourite teachers is Layla Martin, her podcast is ‘This Tantric Life.’ It’s a great resource for diving into the world of Tantra. If you prefer reading, here are some book suggestions:

Resources for Classical Tantra: (non-sexual)
Tantra: Path of Ecstasy by Georg Feuerstein 
Kundalini Tantra by Swami Satyananda Saraswati 
The Alchemical Body by David Gordon White 

Resources for Neo-Tantra: (sexual)
Tantra: The Supreme Understanding by Osho 
The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margot Anand 
Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas 
The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diana Richardson

(Q) How do you keep passion alive in a long-term relationship?
(A) Openly (and honestly) communicate with one another about your desires and needs in the relationship. Schedule in time that is just for the two of you doing something that you both love - getting out in nature, cooking classes, hiking - prioritising quality time together out of ‘house/work roles’ injects your relationship with fun and play which is so important for passion! Show appreciation for one another, surprise each other, travel, collaborate on goals together and learn something new together. Keeping passion alive in a long-term relationship is an ongoing commitment but so worth it.

(Q) What would you say are some of the best toys for a heterosexual couple to enjoy?
(A) Oh so many!! It really depends what you’re wanting to explore; butt play, pegging, spanking, ropes, silks… there are so many incredible toys. I think my top 3 would be an anal toy for him, some restraints like silks, leather cuffs or shibari ropes and if you’re into vibrators something like a clit suction or g-spot toy for her. And lube lube lube lube lube!! It’s not a toy but it always enhances your sex!

(Q) What are some practices to reconnect to the sensual self?
(A) I think a big part of reconnecting to your sensual self is about slowing down and tuning into your senses and the sensations of your body. Some of my favourite ways to do that is through: 
Yoni massage
Hip thrusting, hip circles, pussy pulses/pelvic floor exercises
Breast massage
Yoni gazing
Full-body self-massage
Orgasmic Breathwork
Erotic dance
Non-linear movement by Michaela Boehm
Self-pleasuring